Japan Chronicles: Kyoto Trip

After a year, I was able to post photos of our Kyoto Trip last April 2016. 🙂 Post to be updated later on.

Note to self.

I don’t like being sad or being bothered by some vague feeling. I lack sleep because of that. I can’t do any other thing but to think. I tend to ignore it and to look at other things instead.

I guess I should stop overworking just to divert my attention . I shouldn’t be running away from this personal issue of mine. I should have the heart to face and to eventually resolve it. It’s either I accept it or move on from it. The past few days, I’ve been dodging people. I tend to go all alone with myself in order for me to have larger breathing space. One would often see me at the Affecting Learning Laboratory for Students (ALLS) at Faura, doing work. I don’t hang out with certain people anymore, even with my girl bestfriend. I just don’t feel like it. @_@

The only thing I can do as of now is to be able to confirm to myself what I really want? What path should I take? Should I take the risk or not? Well, this journey in front of me is not smooth. I can see a lot of waiting, patience and effort. That’s where this feeling of uncertainty on something enters. It’s either I stay to be on the safe side  or move forward and take the possibility of destroying something dear to me if ever things won’t work out. 😦 I am really caught in this crossfire between what I feel and what I think is the right thing to do. ><

I promise to overcome this before the start of July. 🙂

Hanging in mid-air.

“Summer break at last!”

“Freedom!”

“Joining the bandwagon, it’s the official start of my vacation!”

These have been trending statuses on facebook and twitter since last week. Students are already free from their academic requirements and responsibilities. Now, they can move on to the next phase of their life as college students, from freshman to sophomore to junior and lastly to senior year.

In my case, I’m still stuck between the fine line of junior and senior year. Why? It’s because of Ma20.2 (also known as Calculus for Computer Scientists) grade. I am hanging in mid-air because of this subject. I don’t know what will be my fate after the release of grades.  Failing this subject means that I will say goodbye to my school. T______T

Since after our finals, I had this weird feeling in my stomach as if I want to vomit. (LOL, I’m not preggy k? :))) There’s this sinking feeling that made it hard for me to breathe. I’m really worried about the results of my finals. 😦 I know to myself that I was not able to reach the score I needed to pass. People keep on telling me that I will pass. That I should believe. That there’s still hope. They don’t know what I’m feeling right now, how much this pressure is choking me and why I’m acting as if there’s no hope.  I can truly relate with the concept of hanging in mid-air. It gives you a sense of vulnerability and helplessness you don’t know how long will you hold on. Or at worse cases, hanging in mid-air is like waiting for something that will either save you or remove your grasp from the thing you’re holding on. It’s really hard to hold on when you’re beginning to lose hope, especially when you have been “denied” several times by the invisible force you believed in.

When life, gets hard, it's like hanging onto something... and feeling helpless.

I don’t know whether I should still believe. This happened before and He failed me. I don’t want to get hurt again so as early as now I’m trying to detach myself from people who are dear to me as well as accept the uncertain future that lies in front of me.

I have no one to blame for this but myself. That’s why I am really disappointed with myself. It’s really sad that no matter how much effort you put on something, they’re still in vain. 😦

I’m just getting tired of this life. I don’t know… I guess I need to breathe.  Whatever will be the outcome of this ordeal of mine predicts my future. All I can do as of now is to believe since my friends are the ones who hope and pray for me. I guess, I need to do the same for them.

I cannot promise that I’ll be strong after this. But I’ll try… >_<