Crossing the Rubicon.

Liking a friend is one roller-coaster ride that you’ll surely won’t take again. Aside from its numerous ups and downs, it has its very own confusing and dizzying twists and turns. Everyday is an emotional battle whenever you’re with that person. You don’t know whether you should ignore the feeling or think about the possibility for it to develop into something deeper…

Guy friends are fun to be with because of their weird conversations (includes foul, vulgar and scandalous language), their joke-time criticisms on you, their bullying moments and their unique way of taking care of you. 🙂 I have a lot of guy friends, most of them are from college since I’m from an all-girls school during my highschool days. Even if I find them complicated sometimes, I still have good times and meaningful conversations with them. 😀  I have this very close guy friend, people have been teasing us ever since, to the point that people thought of us as a couple (which isn’t true :))) We just laugh at them whenever they’re trying to create an issue. But things have changed the moment that I realized that I actually like this certain friend of mine. It took me months debating whether I really like him or not. 😐 Btw, he’s the one I’ve been referring on my previous blogs. :)) It’s really hard. REALLY REALLY HARD. It’s hard to determine the boundary between friendship and romance. Whenever he does something sweet or unusual to me, I would always put it in the context of friendship.:”Maybe he’s doing that because we’re friends.” But there are times that other people will interpret it as something else. One of my friends told me: “You know Joyce, we will be the ones who’ll assume for you… There’s something happening between the two of you. <3”

What’s even harder is when you learn that the feeling is mutual <insert more awkwardness here>.  You don’t know what to do, whether to choose being just a friend or going for the couple status.  :)) You can’t ask for advice from them since they’re the “problem.” Before going to bed you  think whether you”ll going to let go or to fight. What’s sad here is when one doesn’t know where to go or what he/she wants to happen. Such uncertainties left the other person hanging and create further complications in the relationship.

This “happening” has been an eye-opener and a life-changing experience. I learned a lot of things about relationships and friendships. I am really careful on my actions whenever I’m with him. I’ve been fighting the urge to tell him what I feel and the urge to forget about it at the same time. It took me more than three months to figure out what is really happening. @_@ It’s hard to act normal anymore. I really miss the way things used to be: our random laughs, heart-to-heart sessions, teasing and annoying each other, going home together, walking while talking about crazy things and most of all being our true self (not afraid to tell what we truly feel).

At the end of June I have come to this conclusion: “Your happiness is my happiness.” 

As long as he’s happy, I’m already happy even if it’s not with me. 🙂 That’s who I am in the first place, a friend who will always be there for him no matter what. I’ll support him in everything that he does or whoever he may choose. I guess I love and I value our friendship more than anything else, that’s why I’m not going to entertain these feelings. I don’t want to complicate things anymore… There’s no more turning back. I am now officially crossing the Rubicon.

Back to square one, hopefully. 🙂

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