Time for a pause…

The month of July, so far, has been the most tiring month in the history of Joycekind. It was the only month where in I didn’t get any decent sleep for consecutive days. (Just like today, I haven’t slept for a single bit. O_O I wonder how come I can survive such deprivation of sleep without getting the much dreaded eyebags . Xd )

Everytime I get home, my first stop is not the dinner table but my study table. I always check my laptop and planner for tasks that should be accomplished for the day. I create time schedules for everything that I must do. Whenever I take a look at them, my appetite tends to go away, good thing my mom brings me mangoes and juices come midnight. (I love you mama! )

The past few weeks, I remembered being emotional, snappy, lost and even hyper because of lack of sleep. I don’t have the right to whine about the work that I’m doing because in the first place, I could have say “No.” Like what I said to one of my friends, I took those responsibilities so better stand up for it. >< I am aware that they will eventually pile up everyday, leaving me… numb? Well I really don’t know how to describe what’s happening to me now.

These “busy days” have affected me in some aspects. When it comes to my personal life, I would go home early or won’t hang out with my friends because of my deadlines. I think I’ve been spending lesser time with my girl bestfriend, Stef. I wanted to share my stories and “latest gossips” to her, but whenever I’m online on yahoo messenger, I tend to talk to other people about reports, meetings and their personal problems. I really appreciate her care for me whenever she sees the things I have to do. I always wait for my close friends to Instant Message me. I just can’t click on their names, and I don’t know why, maybe because I don’t know what to say to them or maybe I’m afraid that I’m disturbing them. 😦 The same goes to my guy bestfriend, I always find myself with nothing left to say whenever I’m with him. I know that there are a lot of things that I wanted to tell to him, I just don’t know where or how to start. I am the type of person who won’t open up to things that deal with feelings unless you start the topic. I missed those carefree days of ours. I don’t know if I’m the one who noticed the changes in our relationship… I just have to say that I miss a lot of things about our friendship. There’s something odd about it right now, and I can’t figure out what is it. :<

When it comes to school, I have to admit that it’s backfiring on my academics (oh not again. D:). I’ve been cutting some classes either because of fatigue or because of more important things to deal with at the moment. Every night, I read the assigned readings but ends up understanding nothing, my mind is too distracted by the pile of work that needs to be done. :)) I still have this bet with my bestfriend on getting high grades on Theology and Philosophy at the end of the semester. So far, I guess he’s leading. I received my first quiz on Ph104 a while ago. I got the main points of the quiz but was not organized in stating it. I mentioned some irrelevant points that “doesn’t make any sense” quoting from one of the comments of my professor. T_T Also when it comes to my Th141, I am confident that my last two quizzes were just barely passing. @_@ I have the right to be sad or to grieve because of these events, but being me, I tend to let it pass. I just ignore the occurrence of unfortunate things and just keep on moving forward. I guess I really need to pause for a while and reflect on my life as a senior student so far.

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Well, after this week, hopefully, I can take a break from everything. I wanted to breathe some fresh air… And eventually, fix my grades. It’s not yet late to change things. I promise that this time around, I’ll make things happen. 🙂

Crossing the Rubicon.

Liking a friend is one roller-coaster ride that you’ll surely won’t take again. Aside from its numerous ups and downs, it has its very own confusing and dizzying twists and turns. Everyday is an emotional battle whenever you’re with that person. You don’t know whether you should ignore the feeling or think about the possibility for it to develop into something deeper…

Guy friends are fun to be with because of their weird conversations (includes foul, vulgar and scandalous language), their joke-time criticisms on you, their bullying moments and their unique way of taking care of you. 🙂 I have a lot of guy friends, most of them are from college since I’m from an all-girls school during my highschool days. Even if I find them complicated sometimes, I still have good times and meaningful conversations with them. 😀  I have this very close guy friend, people have been teasing us ever since, to the point that people thought of us as a couple (which isn’t true :))) We just laugh at them whenever they’re trying to create an issue. But things have changed the moment that I realized that I actually like this certain friend of mine. It took me months debating whether I really like him or not. 😐 Btw, he’s the one I’ve been referring on my previous blogs. :)) It’s really hard. REALLY REALLY HARD. It’s hard to determine the boundary between friendship and romance. Whenever he does something sweet or unusual to me, I would always put it in the context of friendship.:”Maybe he’s doing that because we’re friends.” But there are times that other people will interpret it as something else. One of my friends told me: “You know Joyce, we will be the ones who’ll assume for you… There’s something happening between the two of you. <3”

What’s even harder is when you learn that the feeling is mutual <insert more awkwardness here>.  You don’t know what to do, whether to choose being just a friend or going for the couple status.  :)) You can’t ask for advice from them since they’re the “problem.” Before going to bed you  think whether you”ll going to let go or to fight. What’s sad here is when one doesn’t know where to go or what he/she wants to happen. Such uncertainties left the other person hanging and create further complications in the relationship.

This “happening” has been an eye-opener and a life-changing experience. I learned a lot of things about relationships and friendships. I am really careful on my actions whenever I’m with him. I’ve been fighting the urge to tell him what I feel and the urge to forget about it at the same time. It took me more than three months to figure out what is really happening. @_@ It’s hard to act normal anymore. I really miss the way things used to be: our random laughs, heart-to-heart sessions, teasing and annoying each other, going home together, walking while talking about crazy things and most of all being our true self (not afraid to tell what we truly feel).

At the end of June I have come to this conclusion: “Your happiness is my happiness.” 

As long as he’s happy, I’m already happy even if it’s not with me. 🙂 That’s who I am in the first place, a friend who will always be there for him no matter what. I’ll support him in everything that he does or whoever he may choose. I guess I love and I value our friendship more than anything else, that’s why I’m not going to entertain these feelings. I don’t want to complicate things anymore… There’s no more turning back. I am now officially crossing the Rubicon.

Back to square one, hopefully. 🙂

Now Playing: The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I’ve set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let’s go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh

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I’ve been listening to this song for some time and it never fails to give me this sad feeling. I miss my bestfriend. I don’t know what happened to us, day by day the gap becomes bigger. I have to admit that it’s my fault for not acting immediately. (Really stupid me for being numb :|) I find myself weird sometimes, I can freely and clearly express myself in front of people I don’t know or not that close to. But when it comes to those whom I truly care about, I tend to push them unintentionally at times. I don’t know how to express my real feelings, I tend to runaway from it (one of my friends pointed it out to me). I would just disappear elsewhere, divert myself to work or pretend that I don’t care at all (even if deep inside it hurts ><).  I’m just afraid to express my feelings, romantically or even in the context of friendship. It’s really ironic that I, the Internal Affairs Vice-President of CompSAt, the one who resolves conflicts inside the organization and maintains harmonious relationships, can’t even face my own problems. It’s sad that I can give really good advice to other people, but when it comes to myself, it seemed that the answer’s no where to be found.

I think, what I need to do is to retrace my steps. I think, it’s not yet late to bring things back to normal. Just like what the song says, I’m going back to the start…

To my bestfriend,

I am really sorry for hurting you and taking you for granted. You don’t know how hard is it to me to pretend that you don’t matter. You’re the one person that I can never really leave no matter happens. I hope that you’ll forgive me, even if it’s not now. I love you. 😦

On Asthma and cats.

Fact: I have asthma yet I love cats.(Well certain cats :3)

I can still remember the days where my mom would bring me to the pediatrician because of my asthma attacks. The white smoke from the nebulizer seem fresh whenever I think about it. (I really don’t get the purpose of that, I think I exhaled the smoke for most of the time.) They say that it is possible to heal asthma once you reach the age of 12. This is where the walls of the lungs start to fix itself. (Well, I can’t confirm its validity, no source cited lol) If no attack happened, then you’re finally free but then again if you did have even a single attack, well sorry, you’re doomed… :))

In my case, my asthma was healed by this very small pill called “Zaditen.” It costs less than 50 pesos (around a dollar). I have to drink it everyday for 3 months, no wonder why my parents would get mad at me whenever I join exhausting activities like sportsfests. Aside from that the most forbidden thing to do is adopting a pet. @_@ They don’t want me to go near animals especially those with thick fur (must resist their cuteness for dear life’s sake .__. )

There was a point in time where we adopted a kitten given that I won’t have any physical contact with it (hugging, patting, sleeping, etc. I broke all of those >:)). I named her Cherrynut and she was one amazing cat. I cried really hard when she got lost outside our house. It was my very first heartbreak, I cried at night and even at school whenever I remember her. I promised to myself never to take care of any other cat. That’s the reason why I’m kinda evil to the next batch of cats at home. :))

I don’t have a picture of Cherrynut to show since our printed photos were destroyed by the flood last 2009. >< What I’m going to post here are pictures of our newest pet, named Kuro!

3 days from birth. 😀
Week 2: Kuro can open her eyes now 🙂
Week 3: Kuro and I. ❤

Hurray for new pet! My parents are adopting her/him, lol I don’t know what’s the gender of Kuro. @_@ This is another opportunity for me to learn how to love something. I hope to grow with Kuro and be able to take good care of her/him. :3