Moviiinnnggg~

Since a good number of people discovered this *supposedly secret* blog. I think I need to move to my other blog. >:) I looked at the stats and I saw some people searching for my name and link address throughΒ Google. Well, it doesn’t contain anything yet. Entries on my other blog will be written in “Filipino.” Emo-er and more personal stuff will be posted there.

So this blog will contain happy, lively and random stuff. Excerpts from my crazy life will be posted here as long as they don’t contain anything too much for comfort.

Who knows, I might open this to “public” (tell people that such blog exists) viewing if ever. πŸ˜€

Optimism won't hurt...

Stay tuned for new posts. Expect brighter ones from this blog! πŸ™‚

Note to self.

I don’t like being sad or being bothered by some vague feeling. I lack sleep because of that. I can’t do any other thing but to think. I tend to ignore it and to look at other things instead.

I guess I should stop overworking just to divert my attention . I shouldn’t be running away from this personal issue of mine. I should have the heart to face and to eventually resolve it. It’s either I accept it or move on from it. The past few days, I’ve been dodging people. I tend to go all alone with myself in order for me to have larger breathing space. One would often see me at the Affecting Learning Laboratory for Students (ALLS) at Faura, doing work. I don’t hang out with certain people anymore, even with my girl bestfriend. I just don’t feel like it. @_@

The only thing I can do as of now is to be able to confirm to myself what I really want? What path should I take? Should I take the risk or not? Well, this journey in front of me is not smooth. I can see a lot of waiting, patience and effort. That’s where this feeling of uncertainty on something enters. It’s either I stay to be on the safe side Β or move forward and take the possibility of destroying something dear to me if ever things won’t work out. 😦 I am really caught in this crossfire between what I feel and what I think is the right thing to do. ><

I promise to overcome this before the start of July. πŸ™‚

4 am post.

I can’t sleep.

A lot of thoughts have been running through my head these past few days.

I don’t wanna think, but people around me force me to think. They keep on feeding me ideas and things that I did not ask to begin with. :<

Stop thinking please? D:

Sleep, where art thou?

Where are Β you when I needed you the most? I think my head is going to burst anytime.

Sleep I need you now…

Your deep slumber will remove me from this world temporarily.

Just give me a moment of serenity even if it’s just from the unconscious. ><

On Feelings.

“The reason why there are immoral people is that they rely too much on their feelings instead of reason. Feelings are notoriously unstable.” – (Que, 2011)

Taking Fr. Nemesio Que as my Philo104 professor was a good choice. πŸ™‚ I learned a lot of things from him regarding ethics even if it’s just our second day. He presented a case where in a virtue should be chosen over another one. Here’s the case: A guy woke up one day, he realized that he doesn’t love his girlfriend anymore. He was going to break up with her but a severe illness hit her father. He told himself that he’ll wait for the right time to tell her. The problem was, the father was sick for a very long time. The guy didn’t know whether to choose honesty to himself over compassion for the girl.

This situation made me think: What if I were in the guy’s place? I think I would choose the first one. I’m just going to keep what I feel to myself. I rather hurt myself than to hurt other people in the process. I realized that I’m a really great liar. I feel bad that I can actually do that to myself: Ignoring my own feelings and think of other people’s feelings. πŸ˜„ Well that’s also the main reason why I don’t get mad. Taking a look at the past, I can say that I’ve never been mad before to anybody. The closest thing to it was like years ago. A blockmate of mine insulted something I did, I really got pissed off. I did not talk to him for almost a year. Whenever I see him, I would just pass by him as if he didn’t exist at all. (That’s how evil I am so don’t try to make me mad) But eventually, the two of us were able to talk, and now we’re really close friends. \:D/ I handle negative feelings through crying, whenever someone hurt me or did something that I don’t like I just cry. I let the tears flow to wash the initial shock and pain instead of letting words slip through my mouth. It’ll just worsen the situation and I know that if sharpness of words can kill, I think a lot of people are already on their knees, bleeding and asking for my forgiveness… >:) Well, I’m glad I did not turned out to be that kind of person. I’m more on the passive side of the spectrum. πŸ˜€

Going back to the philosophy case, the right thing to do there was to talk to the girl and tell her the truth. You must wait for the right time (weeks later), at the right place (away from the father) and the right way to say it.

At the end of the day, I made a mental note to myself:

Joyce Rada, pleas e be honest to yourself D:<

As of now, I want to be honest with myself as much as possible. Until now, I know to myself that I’ve been denying something ever since. I think I like someone but then again, I tell myself that I don’t. To the point that it makes it real at times. *reallyreallyconfusedrightnow* 😐

Well, I do hope that I’ll be able to express what I really feel… someday. πŸ˜€

Sad Story…

I don’t believe in romantic love anymore. I just don’t feel anything at all. πŸ™‚

I don’t know.

I’m just numb I guess?

Or maybe I don’t really have a heart to begin with. (which is sadder) ><

I am not broken hearted or anything. Ok? :))

I don’t know what I really want right now. All I can see are the things that I want to do (organization, work and academics). Whenever I think of falling in love with someone, I feel weird. The idea just freaks me out right now. O_O

Maybe the idea of being in love is somehow alien to me. I don’t want to expect anything from anybody. I don’t like mixed signals or assuming things, it just make things complicated.

I guess, I’m fine being with myself right now. πŸ™‚

P.S.

I’ll elaborate it on my next post. πŸ˜‰