Ateneo, college

Hanging in mid-air.

“Summer break at last!”

“Freedom!”

“Joining the bandwagon, it’s the official start of my vacation!”

These have been trending statuses on facebook and twitter since last week. Students are already free from their academic requirements and responsibilities. Now, they can move on to the next phase of their life as college students, from freshman to sophomore to junior and lastly to senior year.

In my case, I’m still stuck between the fine line of junior and senior year. Why? It’s because of Ma20.2 (also known as Calculus for Computer Scientists) grade. I am hanging in mid-air because of this subject. I don’t know what will be my fate after the release of grades.  Failing this subject means that I will say goodbye to my school. T______T

Since after our finals, I had this weird feeling in my stomach as if I want to vomit. (LOL, I’m not preggy k? :))) There’s this sinking feeling that made it hard for me to breathe. I’m really worried about the results of my finals. 😦 I know to myself that I was not able to reach the score I needed to pass. People keep on telling me that I will pass. That I should believe. That there’s still hope. They don’t know what I’m feeling right now, how much this pressure is choking me and why I’m acting as if there’s no hope.  I can truly relate with the concept of hanging in mid-air. It gives you a sense of vulnerability and helplessness you don’t know how long will you hold on. Or at worse cases, hanging in mid-air is like waiting for something that will either save you or remove your grasp from the thing you’re holding on. It’s really hard to hold on when you’re beginning to lose hope, especially when you have been “denied” several times by the invisible force you believed in.

When life, gets hard, it's like hanging onto something... and feeling helpless.

I don’t know whether I should still believe. This happened before and He failed me. I don’t want to get hurt again so as early as now I’m trying to detach myself from people who are dear to me as well as accept the uncertain future that lies in front of me.

I have no one to blame for this but myself. That’s why I am really disappointed with myself. It’s really sad that no matter how much effort you put on something, they’re still in vain. 😦

I’m just getting tired of this life. I don’t know… I guess I need to breathe.  Whatever will be the outcome of this ordeal of mine predicts my future. All I can do as of now is to believe since my friends are the ones who hope and pray for me. I guess, I need to do the same for them.

I cannot promise that I’ll be strong after this. But I’ll try… >_<

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college, Personal

System.out.println(“Hello REAL World”);

It’s almost 3 am in the morning and I haven’t studied for my Theology finals later. Some random thoughts have been bugging me since last week (which gave birth to this blog. :>).

1 day left before I say goodbye to my teenage years… In a blink of an eye, I will be facing a new life, new age, new self with harder challenges in store for me. 2011 is the mark of my “ties” year, meaning, this coming tuesday: March 22, is the official start of being an adult. What I mean here is a “real” adult. :))

I have spent the past 19 years of my existence doing the following: eating, sleeping, studying, procastinating, playing games, laughing, collecting crushes, fan girling, making new friends and eventually losing some of them, and the list goes on. I guess the only thing that I lacked way back then is a serious life plan. Yeah, you read it right. I, Joyce Ann D. Rada, turning 20 tomorrow, haven’t planned out my life. So, does this means that I don’t have a future? Well when I was still young, innocent and beautiful, I want to become a:

Grade 1-4
Scientist: So that I can invent cooool stuff! 😀
Grade 5-6
News Reporter: So that people will see me on television. (Can't believe that I'm that vain. :)))
Highschool: 1st – start of 3rd year
Accountant: I want to work in an office! Just like my mom. 😀
Highschool: End of 3rd – 4th year
Chemist: I love Chemistry so much that if it was a person, I'll ask him to marry me. ❤
Highschool: 4th year end
Computer Science: Since I'm number 1 in programming in our highschool.

And as the end for this series of cliparts, the last one, won. I took up Computer Science in Ateneo. :)) It was the only course that was different from the other schools where I took entrance tests. My first choice was normally Accountancy, Computer Science was just second (both for Miriam and UST). I did not take the UPCAT but if ever, I guess my choice would be Business Administration and Accountancy. (MONEY MONEY MONEY :))) But it was really out of the way that I ended up being a Computer Scientist (codecodecode). T_T I can’t believe that I took this and was surprised about the content of the course. Oh well, no turning back. \:D/

Now that I’m a self-proclaimed adult, I just want to put meaning in my life. I don’t want to waste opportunities again. Even if I’m being challenged by my present course which is Computer Science, I will not be disheartened in choosing the road that is less traveled. There is no point of return here, I  should really cross the Rubicon no matter what.

I guess, I’ll just enjoy whatever is in front of me right now. Adult world (a.k.a jobworkemployment) is still a year away and I’ll be saying my hello in less than a year. After graduation, I want to study again and find my real passion. I may not have a concrete life plan as of now but as I grow up more, I hope that I will hear that voice within me… again.

Being 20 means a new phase in life.  You are expected to be more mature and somehow be more responsible in your life. I don’t know what will happen to me in the future but as of now I guess the best thing that I can do is to face and live the present. Just like a code in our java class, I should be saying:

Hello REAL World! (hopefully) 😀

P.S. Late post is really late. :))