“Summer break at last!”
“Joining the bandwagon, it’s the official start of my vacation!”
These have been trending statuses on facebook and twitter since last week. Students are already free from their academic requirements and responsibilities. Now, they can move on to the next phase of their life as college students, from freshman to sophomore to junior and lastly to senior year.
In my case, I’m still stuck between the fine line of junior and senior year. Why? It’s because of Ma20.2 (also known as Calculus for Computer Scientists) grade. I am hanging in mid-air because of this subject. I don’t know what will be my fate after the release of grades. Failing this subject means that I will say goodbye to my school. T______T
Since after our finals, I had this weird feeling in my stomach as if I want to vomit. (LOL, I’m not preggy k? :))) There’s this sinking feeling that made it hard for me to breathe. I’m really worried about the results of my finals. 😦 I know to myself that I was not able to reach the score I needed to pass. People keep on telling me that I will pass. That I should believe. That there’s still hope. They don’t know what I’m feeling right now, how much this pressure is choking me and why I’m acting as if there’s no hope. I can truly relate with the concept of hanging in mid-air. It gives you a sense of vulnerability and helplessness you don’t know how long will you hold on. Or at worse cases, hanging in mid-air is like waiting for something that will either save you or remove your grasp from the thing you’re holding on. It’s really hard to hold on when you’re beginning to lose hope, especially when you have been “denied” several times by the invisible force you believed in.
I don’t know whether I should still believe. This happened before and He failed me. I don’t want to get hurt again so as early as now I’m trying to detach myself from people who are dear to me as well as accept the uncertain future that lies in front of me.
I have no one to blame for this but myself. That’s why I am really disappointed with myself. It’s really sad that no matter how much effort you put on something, they’re still in vain. 😦
I’m just getting tired of this life. I don’t know… I guess I need to breathe. Whatever will be the outcome of this ordeal of mine predicts my future. All I can do as of now is to believe since my friends are the ones who hope and pray for me. I guess, I need to do the same for them.
I cannot promise that I’ll be strong after this. But I’ll try… >_<